母亲因病住了院。不知是基于这个或别的，我这些天开始为生活中大大小小的问题而苦恼。
我想，小的时候我们也有很多问题，很多烦恼。譬如如何让父母买那每次经过商店都要多看几眼的玩具、如何找更多玩伴、如何考试及格等等。就连破解一道数学题都能是天大的事。现在长大了，成熟能干了，小时候的问题不再是问题了。但责任相对大了，新的问题也相对难了。
这样比较起来也没什么区别。成人面对的问题，譬如就业、婚姻、生计等，其实就是小时候那道数学题的放大版本。到最后难度还是一样的。我们还是一样操心，费一样的精力去解决。
人生每个阶段都要面对与尝试解决不同的问题，这本身是不是个问题？
For the past 2 to 3 months, I have been juggling work (night shift) with gyming, guitar practice, and reading/writing. I wouldn’t say I did a fantastic job in any of these domains but I respect myself deep down for not giving up, and for pushing myself to do all these even though it’s not easy. In fact it’s really tough, both mentally and physically taxing.
But I thought, since I got this far, and there is still something left in me, why not go further? I mean, I have never worked really hard for anything. I thought I worked hard, but how hard is hard? Can I train for another 5 minutes even though I’m exhausted? Can I practice another 15 minutes of guitar even though my fingers hurt? Inside me I know I can, but I didn’t, I succumbed to my weakness and gave up. Now it is time to push a little further, a little harder. I should have done this long ago but heck, I can’t turn back time. Time is running out, and if I don’t fight to my last cell then I’m going to regret it in the future. For this I am absolutely sure.
So, let me be a little harsh to myself but also realistic at the same time. 3 months away to the start of my tertiary education, I am putting myself to a test, so see how far I can go, and also to prepare for University in which I hope to get the most out of.
Here is my 3 months “To Hell And Back” Regime:
Normal Working Days (5 per week):
OFF Days (2 per week):
This shall be a daily practice and I hope, no, I must adhere to it. May not be THAT hard for some, but following this every single day is going to be a challenge. I can feel the difficulty of this schedule even while I’m typing. But like I said before, if it’s easy then everyone can do it, and it will not be worth pursuing.
I shall not look back many years later, and say to myself I should have done this and that, I should have pushed harder blah blah blah. That would be too late, so for now, to hell and back
Watched Titanic in 3D with Rose (N
ot the Rose in the movie, rather unfortunately) a few weeks back. Both of us first watched Titanic when we were kids, now all grown up, this movie still touched us deep down. Like Rose puts it: “Classic is forever”.
There is certainly no need for me to write about the plot and everything, Titanic has become much of a household movie, everyone knows it. Just want to share the difference in thoughts when I watch it now as compared to when I was still a kid.
Titanic is a love story, but it’s not just a love story, it’s much more than that. As a kid I only focused on the main characters: Jack & Rose. But there are much to it, like the captain, the musicians, the wealthy and the lower class, there is a story in each and everyone of them. All the stories combine together, unfold in the backdrop of a tragic disaster of a ship that was probably the grandest of its time.
Apart from the different stories, I also had a deeper understanding of the main love story. I marveled at Jack’s confidence and character, how he managed to be composed in front of the wealthy people during the exquisite lunch in which he had no prior experience in, how he is still confident when the ship is about to sink, and how, even near his death, was still positive. I also admire Rose’s courage to not give in to conformity, to dare to love and be loved, and to be able to move on and stay strong after the tragedy.
Almost forgot to mention the music. In fact the Titanic theme song was the first impression I had when I first watched the movie, touched me even as a kid. I tried to learn it on guitar but it proved to be as hard as an iceberg.
Apart form the stunning visual effects, which is typical James Cameron, I wouldn’t say Titanic is a extremely deep and insightful movie, just to be fair to the many great movies out there. But as simple as it may be, it still invoked much emotions in me, and I believe millions of others.
And the fact that 15 years after its debut, this movie can still move people to tears, goes to prove its worth. I think Titanic has established itself as one of those movies our generations will remember, and for the next generation to look back to.
我记得希尼尔说过，在他那个年代，与他一起热爱文学的人很多，当初都很狂热。渐渐地，一些人半途而废，最终剩下的没几个。狂热，在他看来，是会被时间“降温”的。真正的了不起是耐得住时间的洗礼。细水长流，才是最难办到的。
现在工作也有两个多月，发现自己在写作方面怠慢许多。博客也较少更新，更别提文学创作了。工作之余，该想该做的琐事太多，要沉下心来创作真是不易。我现在可以理解为什么有人半途而废，我现在可以谅解报纸上那些失水准的作品。
谁都可以狂热一时。那需要一定的气魄与能力，但要求并不高。真正的难度在于日复一日，年复一年地不断打磨。这与健身有个共同点：健身的精髓不在于你一次能举多重，不在于你这一天使多少力气，而是你是不是有持之以恒，是不是几乎每天都在健身房努力，每个星期，每一年。这是一个积累过程，这是一个与时间的拉锯战。
Took this picture few weeks back while on board a MRT. Last weekend, there was a event hosted by Marriage Convention Singapore for married couples, supposedly to rekindle their love and acquire better communication skills between them. And advertisements like this were seen everywhere prior to the event.
…But all journeys leads to a destination.
When something needs to be promoted, it reveals an inadequacy in it. The fact that marriage convention organise events like this, goes to show that there is something wrong with marriages, and it affects a majority. Frankly speaking, I’m not ashamed to reveal that my parents do not have a happy marriage. It is so bad that they are very unlikely to attend such events in an effort to save it. It’s hopeless.
Marriage has always been portrayed as a symbol of happiness, in Asian context, more often than not, a rite of passage. It is something you HAVE to do, so as to have a normal life. Honestly, I think this is bullshit. Why marry when you could anticipate that you would not love your other half in a long run? Why bring the suffering to yourself and your partner, and more cruelly, to the next generation?
I am more than suitable to say this. As far as my memory could stretch, my parents have more arguments than happy moments. I am used to them quarreling, from trivia matters to financial issues, but every time my heart hurts. It hurts to see them exchange vicious words, as if they are enemies, as if they are forced to live together. This pain inside me gradually evolved into hate. I really hate them to the bone whenever they quarrel. True enough, I believe I am one of the reasons why they are still holding on, but I will never forgive them, for so many years of pain. and changing my perspective of marriage altogether.
Now I could hardly imagine myself marrying someone, in fear of it turning out to be like them. It is utterly irresponsible. I’m sure I can be a better husband than my father, but I can’t be sure how the marriage will turn out. My parents have robbed away even the slightest of hope and happiness that is associated with marriages.
But I hope that one day, I will meet someone that could change my mind. Someone whom I am certainly sure I can love forever. Till then, my perception of marriage is simply the grave of love.